1
00:00:05,111 --> 00:00:07,270
'Hello?' Hey Rob, Steve.

2
00:00:07,273 --> 00:00:11,152
'Oh, hiya, how are you?'
Good, good. Listen,

3
00:00:11,158 --> 00:00:14,757
are you free next week
to go away? 'Where?'

4
00:00:14,762 --> 00:00:16,481
It's kind of a tour of the north,

5
00:00:16,484 --> 00:00:19,003
a restaurant tour,
really good restaurants.

6
00:00:19,007 --> 00:00:21,686
'Right. Why me?'

7
00:00:21,690 --> 00:00:25,609
Well, Mischa is unavailable.
You've met Mischa, haven't you?

8
00:00:25,614 --> 00:00:27,853
'Is she your assistant?'

9
00:00:27,857 --> 00:00:29,416
No, no that's Emma.

10
00:00:29,418 --> 00:00:33,177
No, no, no, Mischa's my girlfriend.
'Oh, yes, yes, the Australian girl.'

11
00:00:33,183 --> 00:00:34,942
No, God no, that was ages ago.

12
00:00:34,945 --> 00:00:36,744
No, anyway, it doesn't matter.

13
00:00:36,747 --> 00:00:39,706
Mischa can't come and
I don't want to go alone.

14
00:00:39,710 --> 00:00:46,029
I've asked other people
but they're all too busy, so, you know, do you want to come?

15
00:00:46,037 --> 00:00:49,636
'Er... I don't know really.
I'd have to ask Sally.'

16
00:00:49,641 --> 00:00:54,520
It's a job, I'm not asking you to go
on holiday with me or anything weird.

17
00:00:54,527 --> 00:00:56,886
It's for The Observer magazine.
'Right.'

18
00:00:56,889 --> 00:01:03,568
They're going to pay for everything
and there's a small fee which I'll split with you 60/40. 'When is it?'

19
00:01:03,577 --> 00:01:06,536
Next Monday.
'Oh.'

20
00:01:06,540 --> 00:01:12,339
This programme contains
some strong language

21
00:01:12,347 --> 00:01:14,546
HE TOOTS HORN

22
00:01:14,549 --> 00:01:17,148
HE TOOTS HORN AGAIN

23
00:01:17,152 --> 00:01:19,512
WOMAN: Rob, Steve's here.

24
00:01:25,321 --> 00:01:27,360
All right? Hey, yeah.

25
00:01:27,364 --> 00:01:31,043
Hi Steve. We're off.
Hello, hi. You know Sally and Chloe.

26
00:01:31,048 --> 00:01:32,567
Yes, yes, hi, hello.

27
00:01:32,570 --> 00:01:35,249
Nice to see you, how are you?
Hiya. Mmm. Very good.

28
00:01:35,253 --> 00:01:37,172
Nice to see you. Hello.

29
00:01:37,175 --> 00:01:39,574
What is that?
This is just... Wow.

30
00:01:39,577 --> 00:01:43,976
Pick axe handles. Seriously?
Yes, it goes through and then...

31
00:01:43,982 --> 00:01:45,941
Climbing?
Got you a set of crampons too.

32
00:01:45,945 --> 00:01:50,504
I'll ring you, OK? Oh, yes,
please do. I love you. Mwah!

33
00:01:50,510 --> 00:01:52,909
Look after Mummy. Give me a kiss.

34
00:01:52,912 --> 00:01:54,671
Have fun.

35
00:01:54,674 --> 00:02:00,473
If you haven't heard
anything from me in five days, alert the authorities.

36
00:02:00,481 --> 00:02:02,120
Ok, drive safely. Okidoke.

37
00:02:02,123 --> 00:02:06,722
Bye bye gorgeous. Have a good time.
Can I give a little wave to you?

38
00:02:06,728 --> 00:02:10,047
Going to wave? Bye bye.
Can I give a little wave to you?

39
00:02:10,052 --> 00:02:12,531
I'm going. Bye! Bye bye.

40
00:02:12,535 --> 00:02:16,814
Did you say goodbye to Dad?
Say goodbye. Are you going to wave?

41
00:02:16,819 --> 00:02:21,938
I thought we'd go M1, M6,
come off at junction 31

42
00:02:21,945 --> 00:02:27,384
and then it's a short drive
on the A59,

43
00:02:27,391 --> 00:02:32,550
so Clitheroe and from there
it's a very short hop to Whitewell.

44
00:02:32,557 --> 00:02:36,236
And how long will that take? About
four hours. That's not very much.

45
00:02:36,241 --> 00:02:39,240
Why aren't we using sat nav?
I've always liked maps.

46
00:02:39,245 --> 00:02:42,564
On holiday as kids, my dad
would plan the route, you know,

47
00:02:42,568 --> 00:02:47,087
show us on the map what the route was
and we'd all follow it. It was great.

48
00:02:47,093 --> 00:02:50,412
The good news is I've found the M1.

49
00:02:50,417 --> 00:02:53,416
I wouldn't have had you down
as having a four wheel drive.

50
00:02:53,421 --> 00:02:56,140
It's not mine. Mischa thought
it would be good.

51
00:02:56,144 --> 00:02:59,703
She thought it would be useful in
the Lake District, Yorkshire Dales.

52
00:02:59,708 --> 00:03:03,868
It's not like down south, Rob,
there's a lot of bumpy roads there.

53
00:03:05,754 --> 00:03:07,713
Why isn't she here?

54
00:03:07,717 --> 00:03:11,796
Because she had to go
back to America. Oh, dear.

55
00:03:11,801 --> 00:03:15,720
You haven't, though, have you?
It's in limbo.

56
00:03:15,726 --> 00:03:17,085
Is it all over?

57
00:03:17,087 --> 00:03:20,126
No, I don't know, I don't
know, it's just, it's all...

58
00:03:20,131 --> 00:03:23,970
Oh, let's go here, let's
get some breakfast here.

59
00:03:23,975 --> 00:03:29,414
No, let's not.
I've been up since half past five with Chloe and I've not eaten...

60
00:03:29,421 --> 00:03:30,980
Really? You could write about it.

61
00:03:30,983 --> 00:03:34,502
Why don't you review the food and
say, starting off by talking about

62
00:03:34,507 --> 00:03:37,346
what real people eat.
No, that's been done.

63
00:03:37,350 --> 00:03:41,309
It's been done before. It's 2010,
everything's been done before.

64
00:03:41,315 --> 00:03:44,874
All you can do the same
but better or differently.

65
00:03:44,879 --> 00:03:48,238
To some extent, that's correct.

66
00:03:48,242 --> 00:03:53,001
IN-CAR STEREO: "Atmosphere"
by Joy Division

67
00:03:53,008 --> 00:03:55,007
Why are we listening to this?

68
00:03:55,010 --> 00:03:58,570
That's what I've chosen for the
soundtrack for this landscape.

69
00:04:00,256 --> 00:04:06,656
It's not expected, you think
of that as industrial, associated with urban landscape.

70
00:04:09,626 --> 00:04:13,305
? Walk

71
00:04:13,311 --> 00:04:16,150
? In silence

72
00:04:16,154 --> 00:04:20,593
? Don't walk away

73
00:04:20,599 --> 00:04:24,638
? In silence

74
00:04:24,643 --> 00:04:29,322
? See the danger

75
00:04:29,329 --> 00:04:32,529
? Always danger

76
00:04:33,734 --> 00:04:36,453
? Endless talking

77
00:04:36,457 --> 00:04:40,137
? Life rebuilding

78
00:04:41,622 --> 00:04:44,422
? Don't walk away... ?

79
00:04:54,277 --> 00:04:56,796
This looks lovely.
Beautiful, isn't it, eh?

80
00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:59,759
It's the sort of place
you'd shoot a Miss Marple.

81
00:04:59,763 --> 00:05:02,082
Hello. Hi, hi.

82
00:05:02,085 --> 00:05:05,004
Should be a reservation
under the name Coogan.

83
00:05:05,009 --> 00:05:08,408
Two rooms under Coogan.

84
00:05:08,413 --> 00:05:12,652
Sorry, we only have one
double room for you.

85
00:05:12,657 --> 00:05:16,496
It may be under his name,
Brydon, is there another room under the name Brydon?

86
00:05:16,502 --> 00:05:19,501
No, no, no Brydon. Sorry.

87
00:05:19,505 --> 00:05:22,664
Oh, I thought there should have been
two rooms but... Hello, hi. Hi.

88
00:05:22,669 --> 00:05:27,588
That's Mr Brydon.
Can we book another room? I'm sorry but we're fully booked tonight, sir.

89
00:05:27,594 --> 00:05:31,673
We can share, that's all right.
No, we can't. It's a big room.

90
00:05:31,679 --> 00:05:35,998
Right, I'm going to call Emma.
No seriously, I don't mind sharing a bed,

91
00:05:36,004 --> 00:05:37,963
There's no signal here. What do I do?

92
00:05:37,966 --> 00:05:39,925
Sometimes you can get it outside...

93
00:05:39,928 --> 00:05:43,887
Ok. At the back. all right,
I'll try and sort this out.

94
00:05:43,893 --> 00:05:46,572
Oh, dear me.

95
00:05:46,576 --> 00:05:53,175
Hello? Hi Emma. Listen,
I'm at the Inn at Whitewell...

96
00:05:53,183 --> 00:05:55,422
Yeah. There's only one room.

97
00:05:55,426 --> 00:05:57,625
Well, you can stay with Mischa,
can't you?

98
00:05:57,628 --> 00:06:02,388
I'm not with Mischa, I'm with
Rob Brydon. But this is lovely. I'd be able to sleep here.

99
00:06:03,995 --> 00:06:07,634
Put a little bed down there,
and I'd sleep there very happily.

100
00:06:07,639 --> 00:06:10,518
So are you friends or...?
No, we work together...

101
00:06:10,523 --> 00:06:14,523
So I'm just I'm just with...
Are you his assistant?

102
00:06:16,449 --> 00:06:17,808
In a way, yes.

103
00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:19,730
'You said you were going
with Mischa?'

104
00:06:19,733 --> 00:06:22,092
No, I said I was thinking
of going with Rob.

105
00:06:22,096 --> 00:06:24,215
OK, look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

106
00:06:24,218 --> 00:06:28,417
Now I have to share a room
with Rob for the night. Sorry, I messed up.

107
00:06:28,423 --> 00:06:32,142
Make sure all the other hotels
have separate rooms.

108
00:06:32,147 --> 00:06:34,746
OK. Right, thank you.
All right love, bye.

109
00:06:34,750 --> 00:06:37,149
Sorry, it's a bit of a warren here.

110
00:06:37,153 --> 00:06:40,832
No, it's part of its charm.

111
00:06:40,837 --> 00:06:43,636
Thank you. So what's your name?

112
00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:45,359
Magda. Magda?

113
00:06:45,362 --> 00:06:47,121
And yours? Steve.

114
00:06:47,124 --> 00:06:51,244
Yes. None of this Mr Coogan nonsense.

115
00:06:53,211 --> 00:06:55,090
So here it is. Oh, very nice.

116
00:06:55,093 --> 00:06:58,772
Beautiful, yes. Very nice indeed.
It's a very nice view.

117
00:06:58,777 --> 00:07:00,657
Look at that. Very big.

118
00:07:02,301 --> 00:07:04,420
So... There we go.

119
00:07:04,423 --> 00:07:06,102
Come on, up you jump.

120
00:07:06,105 --> 00:07:07,744
I'll leave you to it and...

121
00:07:07,747 --> 00:07:11,506
Thank you, thanks...
Here is the key. OK, bye.

122
00:07:11,511 --> 00:07:13,790
This is a huge bed,
we could easily share this bed.

123
00:07:13,794 --> 00:07:17,913
It might be huge to you,
it's average size to me.

124
00:07:17,918 --> 00:07:21,437
Oh, that's right, I forgot,
you're considerably taller(!)

125
00:07:21,442 --> 00:07:23,241
What's the problem anyway?

126
00:07:23,244 --> 00:07:27,083
What do you think's going
to happen, eh?

127
00:07:27,089 --> 00:07:29,688
You might touch my bottom. Oh, right.

128
00:07:29,692 --> 00:07:32,491
Were you an altar boy? Yes, I was.

129
00:07:32,495 --> 00:07:34,214
Seriously? Yes.

130
00:07:34,217 --> 00:07:36,616
Oh, all right. I'll go on
the sofa if it's...

131
00:07:36,620 --> 00:07:39,979
Sorry, I didn't realise we were
into Oprah Winfrey territory.

132
00:07:39,983 --> 00:07:43,582
Are you seriously saying
you were abused when you were an altar boy?

133
00:07:43,587 --> 00:07:46,626
Only verbally and physically.

134
00:07:46,631 --> 00:07:51,471
Not sexually, no, just punched
by a priest.

135
00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:56,359
There's no signal here.

136
00:07:56,362 --> 00:07:59,121
I'm on wireless.

137
00:07:59,125 --> 00:08:01,324
Would you like to order?

138
00:08:01,327 --> 00:08:03,166
Yes, please, yes, yes, yes.

139
00:08:03,169 --> 00:08:09,888
Could I start with the scallops
and then could I have the sea bass?

140
00:08:09,897 --> 00:08:12,656
I'll have the soup followed
by the chicken please.

141
00:08:12,660 --> 00:08:14,340
Thanks a lot. Thanks.

142
00:08:15,984 --> 00:08:18,063
Want to see a picture of my kids?
Yes.

143
00:08:18,066 --> 00:08:23,305
There's me, Mi-Mi and Joe.
How old are they now?

144
00:08:23,312 --> 00:08:29,391
Joe's 14 and Mi-Mi's 8. Really?
Yes, time flies. Wow.

145
00:08:29,399 --> 00:08:31,558
Oh. Oh.

146
00:08:31,561 --> 00:08:35,360
Pretty, isn't she?
This is Mischa is it? Yeah.

147
00:08:35,366 --> 00:08:37,365
Cor! Did you take that?

148
00:08:37,368 --> 00:08:41,127
Yes, of course.
Who else took it? She's not a glamour model.

149
00:08:41,132 --> 00:08:43,811
She could be.
Yes, I know she could be, yes.

150
00:08:43,815 --> 00:08:46,334
Why do people video themselves
having sex?

151
00:08:46,338 --> 00:08:50,457
We're not having sex,
that's foreplay.

152
00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:55,742
Like Colin Farrell, isn't it?
There's your breakfast and your lunch and your dinner right there.

153
00:08:55,749 --> 00:08:59,228
Well, that just sounded like an
Irishman, Rob, a generic Irishman.

154
00:08:59,233 --> 00:09:02,232
Well, Colin Farrell
isn't one of my...

155
00:09:02,236 --> 00:09:04,995
AS RONNIE CORBETT:
Not one of my repertoire.

156
00:09:04,999 --> 00:09:06,038
Oh, right.

157
00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:07,799
Wow, that was the most...

158
00:09:07,802 --> 00:09:09,761
Obtuse segue into Ronnie Corbett...

159
00:09:09,764 --> 00:09:13,403
I don't put him up there with Ron.
HE CHUCKLES

160
00:09:13,409 --> 00:09:18,009
I've got a scallops and a soup
on order! >

161
00:09:18,855 --> 00:09:22,534
I don't understand why you have this

162
00:09:22,539 --> 00:09:25,778
aversion to people just
doing things to make people laugh.

163
00:09:25,783 --> 00:09:29,342
I don't, I just find it all a bit,
you know, just a bit tiresome.

164
00:09:29,347 --> 00:09:32,066
It's just, you know...
What have you got?

165
00:09:32,070 --> 00:09:36,469
Rhone 2006. IMPERSONATES:
Oh, bring it on. Pour it out. Yes.

166
00:09:36,475 --> 00:09:39,194
My apologies for
my colleague's behaviour.

167
00:09:39,198 --> 00:09:41,638
My buddy will taste.

168
00:09:44,123 --> 00:09:46,362
That's lovely, thank you. Thank you.

169
00:09:46,366 --> 00:09:49,765
Yes, lovely. I like that.

170
00:09:49,770 --> 00:09:51,889
Thank you very much.

171
00:09:51,892 --> 00:09:54,691
That was very good, he now has
you marked down as an idiot.

172
00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:56,495
Why? I'll show you why.

173
00:09:57,779 --> 00:10:02,778
IMPERSONATES STEVE: Mmm, that's
very good, that's a very nice wine.

174
00:10:02,784 --> 00:10:05,823
You don't do...
when you taste a wine, right?

175
00:10:05,828 --> 00:10:09,467
Yes? All you're doing is checking
it's not corked. All you do is this.

176
00:10:09,472 --> 00:10:11,592
I know, well that... Shush!

177
00:10:15,318 --> 00:10:17,517
Well, that was camp.
That wasn't camp.

178
00:10:17,521 --> 00:10:19,961
You did, you just went like this.
You went...

179
00:10:22,246 --> 00:10:25,285
I did not do that! You looked like
an 18th century fop.

180
00:10:25,290 --> 00:10:26,810
I did this.

181
00:10:28,934 --> 00:10:32,974
Right, well you've toned it down
a bit but essentially it's the same thing.

182
00:10:33,739 --> 00:10:36,259
Scallops ready!

183
00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:45,268
Ah...
Who's having scallops?

184
00:10:45,272 --> 00:10:48,311
I am the scallops.
Thank you very much.

185
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:52,995
And the soup. Thank you, lovely. OK?
Enjoy your starters. Thank you.

186
00:10:54,482 --> 00:10:56,321
Soup of the day. Can't go wrong.

187
00:10:56,324 --> 00:10:59,124
Yes, yes, yours looks
more interesting but...

188
00:11:06,296 --> 00:11:09,655
Mmm, what's yours like?
Well, it tastes of tomatoes.

189
00:11:09,660 --> 00:11:11,859
Not a connoisseur are you,
with food?

190
00:11:11,862 --> 00:11:14,221
The reason for this trip
was to bring Mischa.

191
00:11:14,225 --> 00:11:18,784
She's passionate about food, she
loves food. So she's the food buff out of the two of you.

192
00:11:18,790 --> 00:11:23,709
She's a very confident foodie,
I thought she could help me and I wanted to show Mischa the...

193
00:11:23,715 --> 00:11:26,434
You know, the north.

194
00:11:26,438 --> 00:11:29,877
Show her a piece of me.
You're from Manchester.

195
00:11:29,882 --> 00:11:33,961
You could take her round and
show her the gun crime sites.

196
00:11:33,967 --> 00:11:37,566
I'm from the north, the north
has an identity of itself.

197
00:11:37,571 --> 00:11:40,610
Yes, and not the same way
that Wales does.

198
00:11:40,614 --> 00:11:46,253
I think the north could be
a different country. It has as much of an identity as Wales.

199
00:11:46,261 --> 00:11:48,820
Are you seriously saying
the north of England

200
00:11:48,824 --> 00:11:52,863
has a stronger... Hang on,
a stronger identity than Wales? Yes. Yes, yes.

201
00:11:52,868 --> 00:11:56,867
Right, a chicken and a sea bass
for table 32 please.

202
00:11:56,873 --> 00:11:59,872
Industrial revolution,
the first railway in Manchester

203
00:11:59,876 --> 00:12:04,555
which revolutionised the world,
probably more than anything else in the last 200 years.

204
00:12:04,561 --> 00:12:09,680
Richard Burton.
AS BURTON: ...next admiral in actuality means like God.

205
00:12:09,687 --> 00:12:10,726
Anthony Hopkins.

206
00:12:10,728 --> 00:12:13,967
AS HOPKINS:
I want a room with a view, I want to see a tree.

207
00:12:13,972 --> 00:12:16,851
I think anyone over 40
who amuses themself by doing

208
00:12:16,855 --> 00:12:20,175
impressions needs to take a long,
hard look in the mirror.

209
00:12:22,141 --> 00:12:24,860
Yes, oh, hang on, we're getting
some action here.

210
00:12:24,864 --> 00:12:29,663
Let's have a look, what does it say?
Oh, "where are you?"

211
00:12:29,670 --> 00:12:33,270
Works on a few levels, doesn't it?

212
00:12:35,196 --> 00:12:37,195
Yes, yes, it does, it does.

213
00:12:37,198 --> 00:12:41,517
AS ALAN BENNETT:
As I read the email from my agent, I couldn't help but wonder,

214
00:12:41,523 --> 00:12:42,962
"Yes, Alan, where are you?"

215
00:12:42,965 --> 00:12:48,364
Dudley had gone to Hollywood,
Peter now dead in a haze of... I'm doing Alan Bennett.

216
00:12:48,371 --> 00:12:52,730
I know. There's got to be some
drama in someone who can only express themselves

217
00:12:52,736 --> 00:12:55,095
through the voices of other people.
Yes.

218
00:12:55,098 --> 00:12:58,057
What if a W fell off a monkey house?

219
00:12:58,062 --> 00:13:00,581
They're kind of entertaining
but not that accurate.

220
00:13:00,584 --> 00:13:05,823
Well, broadsheet journalists
have described my impressions as "stunningly accurate."

221
00:13:05,830 --> 00:13:09,149
Well, they're wrong. I've not heard
your Michael Caine,

222
00:13:09,154 --> 00:13:11,953
but I assume it would be
"My name's Michael Caine."

223
00:13:11,957 --> 00:13:14,076
That is where you're so wrong

224
00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:16,999
because that's the very thing
I don't do.

225
00:13:17,003 --> 00:13:20,442
Do your Michael Caine.

226
00:13:20,447 --> 00:13:23,606
AS CAINE: Michael Caine used to talk
like this in the 1960s.

227
00:13:23,610 --> 00:13:29,409
But that has changed and I say
over the years, Michael's voice has come down several

228
00:13:29,417 --> 00:13:33,536
octaves... Let me finish,
and all of the cigars and the brandy...

229
00:13:33,542 --> 00:13:37,901
Let me finish, can now be heard...
OK. I've not fucking finished,

230
00:13:37,906 --> 00:13:43,225
in the back of the voice
and the voice now will... I've still not finished.

231
00:13:43,232 --> 00:13:46,271
The voice... You're panicking.

232
00:13:46,276 --> 00:13:50,115
You like you're about to bloody
talk. Let me finish. So...

233
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:55,039
Michael Caine's voice now in the
Batman movies and in Harry Brown,

234
00:13:55,046 --> 00:14:02,566
I can't go fast because Michael
Caine talks very, very slowly.

235
00:14:03,736 --> 00:14:08,895
AS CAINE:
Michael Caine speaks to his nose like that.

236
00:14:08,901 --> 00:14:12,140
He gets very, very specific,
it's very like that.

237
00:14:12,145 --> 00:14:15,544
When it gets loudly,
it gets very loud indeed.

238
00:14:15,549 --> 00:14:19,508
It gets very specific,
it's not quite nasal enough, the way you're doing it.

239
00:14:19,513 --> 00:14:22,112
You're not doing it
the way he speaks.

240
00:14:22,116 --> 00:14:26,235
You're not doing it with the kind of,
and you don't do the broken voice

241
00:14:26,241 --> 00:14:29,200
when he gets very emotional,
when he gets very emotional.

242
00:14:29,204 --> 00:14:31,243
She was only 16 years old.

243
00:14:31,247 --> 00:14:35,726
She was only 16, you're only supposed
to blow the bloody doors off.

244
00:14:35,732 --> 00:14:38,291
That's Michael Caine.

245
00:14:38,295 --> 00:14:41,414
AS CAINE: Shall I prepare
the Batmobile, Master Bruce?

246
00:14:41,418 --> 00:14:44,537
And who's the other one you
did that wasn't very good?

247
00:14:44,542 --> 00:14:47,501
Oh, Anthony Hopkins, yes.
I do a very good Anthony Hopkins.

248
00:14:47,505 --> 00:14:49,824
Well, I think I do an even
better Anthony Hopkins.

249
00:14:49,828 --> 00:14:53,107
I can do him as Captain Bligh
on The Bounty...

250
00:14:53,111 --> 00:14:56,510
"Come back Mr Fryer!
You turned your back on me, man!"

251
00:14:56,515 --> 00:14:59,195
There you go.
That's good, that's good.

252
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,839
Oh, hello... Well, let me.

253
00:15:02,842 --> 00:15:06,681
Let me... I didn't say a bloody
thing when you were in The Bounty.

254
00:15:06,686 --> 00:15:08,765
I don't often do it, so savour it.

255
00:15:08,769 --> 00:15:11,328
AS HOPKINS IN REMAINS OF THE DAY:

256
00:15:11,332 --> 00:15:15,371
"Well, it's just a book,
just a book, just a romance, that's all it is."

257
00:15:15,376 --> 00:15:17,975
SWITCHES CHARACTERISATION

258
00:15:17,979 --> 00:15:21,338
"What's that, Mr Christian,
are you threatening me?"

259
00:15:21,343 --> 00:15:24,582
There are rumblings.
Oh, there are rumblings are there?

260
00:15:24,587 --> 00:15:28,186
Yes, there are rumblings.
I'm Mel Gibson now.

261
00:15:28,191 --> 00:15:31,670
I sound like Rhys Darby
in Flight of the Conchords!

262
00:15:31,675 --> 00:15:34,154
You did. If you'd said you were
doing that...

263
00:15:34,157 --> 00:15:36,757
AS GIBSON:
Band meeting, "Murray, present."

264
00:15:42,727 --> 00:15:49,166
This was very nice,
hotter than I was expecting, more heat in the chilli sauce.

265
00:15:49,174 --> 00:15:53,373
There was a lot of heat in my
scallops. My scallops were hot.

266
00:15:53,379 --> 00:15:57,778
There's a joke there.
Plenty of heat in my scallops.

267
00:15:57,784 --> 00:16:02,863
Heat, Pacino, De Niro,
Michael Mann. What have you got?

268
00:16:02,870 --> 00:16:04,869
Four bodies in a morgue.

269
00:16:04,872 --> 00:16:08,191
I'm out there every fucking day!

270
00:16:08,196 --> 00:16:14,075
Yeah? Heat. Yeah.
A movie where De Niro and Pacino are running a celebrity magazine.

271
00:16:14,082 --> 00:16:19,401
I need a photo exclusive of
Katie Price having a botox.

272
00:16:19,408 --> 00:16:21,607
"I ain't got it,
Al, we can't do it!"

273
00:16:21,611 --> 00:16:24,850
What do you mean
it's not looking good?!

274
00:16:24,855 --> 00:16:29,814
I got to have her on the front page
right now every day I'm there!

275
00:16:29,820 --> 00:16:33,459
Hey, calm it down.
It's all right, sorry.

276
00:16:33,464 --> 00:16:35,263
It's all right, they love it. Yes.

277
00:16:35,266 --> 00:16:39,065
Not sure about that but never mind.
Ever worked with Michael Mann?

278
00:16:39,071 --> 00:16:42,070
I work with auteurs.

279
00:16:42,074 --> 00:16:45,593
Like in Rain Man?
AS HOFFMAN: Oh, I'm an excellent director.

280
00:16:45,598 --> 00:16:48,477
I directed the whole movie
in one go.

281
00:16:48,481 --> 00:16:52,440
No, that's autistic. I know that.
I wonder, that's autistic savant.

282
00:16:52,446 --> 00:16:55,045
Is there such a thing as
an autistic impressionist?

283
00:16:55,049 --> 00:16:58,808
Because if there is, I think that
might be the key to your condition.

284
00:16:58,813 --> 00:17:04,812
AS PACINO: Maybe you're right,
I don't know, but I see a guy

285
00:17:04,820 --> 00:17:12,060
with something stuck up his ass
who's too uptight to let go.

286
00:17:16,353 --> 00:17:18,312
Gravity, where do you stand on that?

287
00:17:18,315 --> 00:17:21,234
Firmly, on terra firma.

288
00:17:21,238 --> 00:17:24,197
You like levity,
brevity and gravity.

289
00:17:24,201 --> 00:17:29,360
AS HOFFMAN: It's great to meet you,
I got to tell you you're a terrific actor!

290
00:17:29,367 --> 00:17:31,246
I caught your work the other day.

291
00:17:31,249 --> 00:17:35,408
I was watching the television in
my room and I said "Who is this guy?

292
00:17:35,414 --> 00:17:39,414
"He is not as tall as Coogan but
he's better. I like him a lot".

293
00:17:44,905 --> 00:17:48,024
Excuse me, sorry.
Thank you very much.

294
00:17:48,028 --> 00:17:51,107
Was everything ok? Very nice indeed.
Quite tomatoey.

295
00:17:51,112 --> 00:17:53,872
Yes. And soupy. Thank you.

296
00:17:57,159 --> 00:17:58,758
We shouldn't fight.
I know.

297
00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:00,559
Come on, let's stop this, eh?

298
00:18:00,562 --> 00:18:04,401
Come on, Mr Steve,
come on Mr Steve, hey?

299
00:18:04,407 --> 00:18:08,126
AS BASIL BRUSH: Ha-ha-ha! Boom-boom!

300
00:18:08,131 --> 00:18:10,250
Ok, I'm going to call my agent.

301
00:18:10,253 --> 00:18:13,053
You can hone your Brush!

302
00:18:15,259 --> 00:18:17,738
Can I speak to Greg?

303
00:18:17,742 --> 00:18:19,341
Hi, is that Greg? 'It is, yes.'

304
00:18:19,343 --> 00:18:21,102
Hey. Hey, how are you? Very good.

305
00:18:21,105 --> 00:18:23,024
You emailed me, asked me to call.

306
00:18:23,028 --> 00:18:27,427
Yes, I did, yes, nothing urgent,
just a bit of a catch up really, see how you are.

307
00:18:27,433 --> 00:18:30,512
Through the nose like that,
through the nose.

308
00:18:30,516 --> 00:18:33,315
Through the noise. Michael Caine's
voice is through the nose.

309
00:18:33,319 --> 00:18:35,678
Can you hear me Greg?

310
00:18:35,682 --> 00:18:37,441
'No, I can't hear.'

311
00:18:37,444 --> 00:18:40,563
Can you hear me now?

312
00:18:40,567 --> 00:18:42,126
Yes, yes, I can hear, yes.

313
00:18:42,129 --> 00:18:44,368
Ok, I'll stay here. What else?

314
00:18:44,372 --> 00:18:46,251
Right, Doctor Who...

315
00:18:46,254 --> 00:18:49,373
Doctor Who? What, is it the baddie?

316
00:18:49,377 --> 00:18:52,056
Yes. I don't want to do British TV.

317
00:18:52,060 --> 00:18:55,939
Well, I mean all you need is, if you
just did one film Steven,

318
00:18:55,945 --> 00:18:57,944
that will propel you. I've done 10.

319
00:18:57,947 --> 00:18:59,867
You need the right film.

320
00:19:04,995 --> 00:19:08,074
You've got a huge amount
of momentum behind you.

321
00:19:08,078 --> 00:19:10,477
You get momentum when
you're going downhill.

322
00:19:10,481 --> 00:19:12,120
Well, yes, but...

323
00:19:12,123 --> 00:19:15,363
I want to be in films. Good films.

324
00:19:18,010 --> 00:19:20,529
OK sir, so here's your bass.

325
00:19:20,532 --> 00:19:22,731
Oh, thank you very much. Sea bass.

326
00:19:22,735 --> 00:19:24,734
And the chicken over here.
Thank you.

327
00:19:24,737 --> 00:19:26,816
Where exactly are you at the moment?

328
00:19:26,819 --> 00:19:33,058
Where? I'm in the Trough of Bowland
rather appropriately Greg, I'm in a trough.

329
00:19:33,067 --> 00:19:34,786
Literally and metaphorically.

330
00:19:34,788 --> 00:19:37,148
Yes. Is Mischa with you?
Is she enjoying it?

331
00:19:38,473 --> 00:19:41,713
Yes, she is, yes.

332
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:47,359
Sorry, I didn't wait.

333
00:19:47,363 --> 00:19:49,803
That's all right. Oh, yes.

334
00:19:56,213 --> 00:20:01,252
What's that? It's a gun
with a silencer shooting...

335
00:20:01,258 --> 00:20:02,977
people who frustrate me.

336
00:20:02,980 --> 00:20:05,340
Can you do the sound of a gun
with a silencer?

337
00:20:09,227 --> 00:20:12,346
Mmm, no.

338
00:20:12,351 --> 00:20:15,191
Well, it's kind of a muted,
it's kind of a...

339
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:19,516
and then if you do it
entering flesh, then it's a...

340
00:20:22,082 --> 00:20:23,602
It's a...

341
00:20:27,928 --> 00:20:29,887
How is your...

342
00:20:29,891 --> 00:20:31,490
This is nice, it's very nice.

343
00:20:31,492 --> 00:20:33,491
What is it again?
Sea bass. Sea bass. Nice?

344
00:20:33,495 --> 00:20:35,214
Yes, yes.

345
00:20:35,217 --> 00:20:36,896
Is that leeks you've got there?

346
00:20:36,898 --> 00:20:39,417
Mmm. Ah.

347
00:20:39,421 --> 00:20:41,340
Great Welsh vegetable, the leek.

348
00:20:41,343 --> 00:20:44,822
Why did they have to give me leeks?
Why? Why?

349
00:20:44,827 --> 00:20:48,547
Did you tell them to give me leeks
so that you could do Welsh voices?

350
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:58,959
You do chew a lot, don't you?

351
00:20:58,963 --> 00:21:01,482
You take a long time to chew.
Mastication... Yes.

352
00:21:01,486 --> 00:21:04,685
is very important for your health.

353
00:21:04,690 --> 00:21:07,129
Do you find as you get older...

354
00:21:07,132 --> 00:21:12,091
food gets stuck in your teeth more...
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

355
00:21:12,098 --> 00:21:13,777
Yes. ..more readily?

356
00:21:13,780 --> 00:21:15,739
You know why that is? Why?

357
00:21:15,742 --> 00:21:17,741
Receding gums. Well, that's that.

358
00:21:17,744 --> 00:21:23,263
Revealing the crack, the gap,
between the tooth and the gum.

359
00:21:23,271 --> 00:21:26,271
All right. Look, look how much, look.

360
00:21:27,796 --> 00:21:29,915
What are you showing me?

361
00:21:29,918 --> 00:21:32,278
My gums.

362
00:21:33,803 --> 00:21:36,802
Yours look all right, you know.

363
00:21:36,806 --> 00:21:39,365
Can you see any receding?

364
00:21:39,369 --> 00:21:41,168
Mmm, yes, yes. Yes?

365
00:21:41,171 --> 00:21:44,970
Well, that is a honey trap
for morsels of food.

366
00:21:44,975 --> 00:21:46,534
That is an open invitation.

367
00:21:46,537 --> 00:21:49,616
A bit of food sees that,
he goes running towards it.

368
00:21:49,620 --> 00:21:53,019
It's not good if you're on a date.
You still go on dates, do you?

369
00:21:53,024 --> 00:21:56,343
Yes, I normally go to the toilet...
I take a toothpick,

370
00:21:56,348 --> 00:21:58,187
and just get every bit out.

371
00:21:58,190 --> 00:22:01,909
I try and avoid foods
that get lodged. Really?

372
00:22:01,914 --> 00:22:05,313
You don't want to kiss with a lump
of chicken inside your molars.

373
00:22:05,318 --> 00:22:10,917
See, that strikes me as odd
that a man of our age would be thinking about trying to kiss girls.

374
00:22:10,924 --> 00:22:12,203
Hi, sorry.

375
00:22:12,206 --> 00:22:14,445
Hello. It's your lucky day.

376
00:22:14,448 --> 00:22:17,727
Why? We've had a cancellation, you
don't have to share a bed tonight.

377
00:22:17,732 --> 00:22:24,611
I'll drink to that. Shall I leave
you in room 15 and move Mr Brydon into 7 or? Which is the best room?

378
00:22:24,620 --> 00:22:29,139
Well, 7 is a bit bigger, but I
prefer 15. Maybe you want to see it?

379
00:22:29,145 --> 00:22:33,104
Yes, I think I would.
Do you mind excusing me?

380
00:22:33,109 --> 00:22:36,469
I could come as well,
if you want. Nah.

381
00:22:41,198 --> 00:22:42,798
Yes, it's open.

382
00:22:46,765 --> 00:22:49,204
So. Sorry... OK. OK.

383
00:22:49,207 --> 00:22:53,286
So this is room number 7.
That's nice, yeah.

384
00:22:53,292 --> 00:22:55,091
Beautiful room.

385
00:22:55,094 --> 00:22:57,253
Nice view. Yes.

386
00:22:57,257 --> 00:22:59,576
I find the view...
It's very important.

387
00:22:59,579 --> 00:23:02,658
You can't go wrong in this area,
everything's beautiful.

388
00:23:02,663 --> 00:23:04,823
It is, I know, it's really...

389
00:23:07,428 --> 00:23:10,907
It's very high, isn't it? It reminds
me of The Princess and the Pea.

390
00:23:10,912 --> 00:23:12,951
You know that
Hans Christian Andersen?

391
00:23:12,954 --> 00:23:16,673
Do you know him in Poland?
No, of course, of course we read.

392
00:23:16,678 --> 00:23:21,797
Oh, OK. Yes. No, we do read. Right.
Where's he from? Denmark.

393
00:23:21,804 --> 00:23:25,524
Denmark, that's right, yes, Denmark.
Yes, I don't like the Danish.

394
00:23:32,496 --> 00:23:34,255
So how long have you worked here?

395
00:23:34,258 --> 00:23:37,377
Long or...? Almost a year.

396
00:23:37,382 --> 00:23:39,901
You and Rob, do you work a lot
together or...?

397
00:23:39,905 --> 00:23:42,744
Very rarely... If I can avoid it.

398
00:23:42,748 --> 00:23:45,827
You seem friendly.
The relationship's purely platonic.

399
00:23:45,831 --> 00:23:48,590
So what shall we do?
Well, which is the one you liked?

400
00:23:48,594 --> 00:23:52,113
15. Yes, I prefer 15.
Well, I think we should go for that.

401
00:23:52,118 --> 00:23:53,717
Do they accommodate you here?

402
00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:57,879
Well, there are cottages
for the staff, yes, at the main house so yes... Oh.

403
00:23:57,885 --> 00:24:01,484
I live nearby. Well, that's handy.
Well, very nearby, yes.

404
00:24:01,489 --> 00:24:04,328
I like your accent, by the way.
Thank you. Enigmatic.

405
00:24:04,332 --> 00:24:07,211
See you later.
Perhaps see you later, yes.

406
00:24:07,215 --> 00:24:08,974
Steve!

407
00:24:08,977 --> 00:24:10,736
Steve. Oh, hello.

408
00:24:10,739 --> 00:24:13,418
I've moved us through
to the fireplace.

409
00:24:13,422 --> 00:24:16,061
Oh, how very nice. Yeah.

410
00:24:16,065 --> 00:24:17,744
Very pleasant.

411
00:24:17,747 --> 00:24:23,346
Now, did you know that on this
day in 1702, King William III

412
00:24:23,354 --> 00:24:28,153
died at the age of 51 and
Queen Anne ascends to the throne?

413
00:24:28,159 --> 00:24:31,118
And did you know I have ordered
you a sticky toffee pudding?

414
00:24:31,122 --> 00:24:32,881
Yes, what are you getting?

415
00:24:32,884 --> 00:24:34,404
Niet.

416
00:24:40,933 --> 00:24:42,772
Got to keep an eye on this fellow.

417
00:24:42,775 --> 00:24:45,374
You've got to help me with
the review.

418
00:24:45,378 --> 00:24:47,537
I've got to keep fit.

419
00:24:47,541 --> 00:24:49,580
Do you work out?

420
00:24:49,583 --> 00:24:53,702
Yes, a bit, two or three times
a week. You can't tell.

421
00:24:53,708 --> 00:24:57,547
Can I get a coffee please,
and the bill?

422
00:24:57,552 --> 00:25:00,751
And can we get an extra spoon please?

423
00:25:00,756 --> 00:25:04,996
Of course, yes.
I'll share your spoon, don't worry. Two spoons.

424
00:25:09,606 --> 00:25:11,845
Going to see your parents
while you're here?

425
00:25:11,848 --> 00:25:13,687
That is wonderful, mmm.

426
00:25:13,690 --> 00:25:17,449
Thank you. No, they...

427
00:25:17,454 --> 00:25:20,493
Well maybe. They don't know
that I've split up with Mischa.

428
00:25:20,498 --> 00:25:22,577
So you have split up with her, then?

429
00:25:22,580 --> 00:25:25,820
Well, it's just... Try some.
No, thank you.

430
00:25:34,594 --> 00:25:35,593
Thank you.

431
00:25:35,595 --> 00:25:37,315
How much is it?

432
00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:42,559
�93.80.

433
00:25:42,563 --> 00:25:44,962
Is there a limit to
what you can spend?

434
00:25:44,965 --> 00:25:46,645
Don't think so.

435
00:25:48,770 --> 00:25:51,770
Better check with Emma actually.

436
00:25:54,176 --> 00:25:55,895
Oh, it is nice actually.

437
00:25:55,898 --> 00:25:58,258
Lovely. You should have some.

438
00:26:06,870 --> 00:26:09,710
NOISY ENGINES

439
00:26:20,566 --> 00:26:23,086
COWS MOO IN THE DISTANCE

440
00:26:41,829 --> 00:26:44,828
PHONE DIALLING TONE

441
00:26:44,833 --> 00:26:51,312
Hello? Hello. Hey, it's me.
What time is it?

442
00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:54,279
It's...

443
00:26:54,284 --> 00:26:56,283
It's 12 o'clock your time.

444
00:26:56,286 --> 00:26:59,125
Oh, shit, I'm late.

445
00:26:59,129 --> 00:27:00,768
Have you just got up?

446
00:27:00,771 --> 00:27:07,610
Yeah, I had a really late night.
I think I got in at like three or four maybe. Where did you go?

447
00:27:07,619 --> 00:27:12,458
I told you, I went
to this magazine party

448
00:27:12,464 --> 00:27:15,503
at this magazine launch, I thought
it would be a good place to

449
00:27:15,507 --> 00:27:19,786
meet some people and pitch some
of my ideas. Yes, it was really good.

450
00:27:19,792 --> 00:27:23,151
I met some amazing people and
there was lots of interest. Yes?

451
00:27:23,156 --> 00:27:25,555
Who did you meet? Who was
interesting?

452
00:27:25,559 --> 00:27:31,838
I met the editor of Esquire and
he's interested in the story I did about the bikers

453
00:27:31,846 --> 00:27:34,805
when I went back home.

454
00:27:34,809 --> 00:27:36,768
Does he fancy you?

455
00:27:36,771 --> 00:27:41,850
God, you know what? That really
pisses me off when you do that, like I've got nothing else to offer.

456
00:27:41,857 --> 00:27:44,536
I'm not, I'm not... Whatever.
Listen, I've got to go.

457
00:27:44,540 --> 00:27:47,099
I'm going to be late. OK?

458
00:27:47,103 --> 00:27:51,742
OK. Hey... Uh... Uh...
Well, I miss you.

459
00:27:51,748 --> 00:27:54,387
Yeah, I miss you too.

460
00:27:54,391 --> 00:27:56,910
Good.

461
00:27:56,914 --> 00:28:02,193
I've got to go. Listen, well, let's
just speak later, OK? OK. OK.

462
00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:04,600
Bye. Bye baby. Bye.

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